Pappa wants mamma naked
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Randomize
