I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
