I haven't been this sober since birth.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
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