That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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