Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
