i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Randomize
