I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
