well you can't waste a boner
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
