i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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