watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
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