you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
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