Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
