This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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