We're facebook friends in real life
i came on her dog
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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