well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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