Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
