I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
