I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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