Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
