she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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