If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
