I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Randomize
