We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
