I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
