I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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