i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
