In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
