You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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