I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
