i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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