I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
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