Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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