omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Randomize
