now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
