remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
