I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
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