That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
