Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
