I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
