I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
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