I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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