I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Randomize
