Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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