here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
