I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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