Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
