It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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