genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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