I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
