he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
