I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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