Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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