I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
