He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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