I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
