There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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