Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
