imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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