Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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